Winter Winds
by GirlWithTheFullmetalHeart
Summary: Kirkwall had never been Anders' home. He had never had a home. That's why he had fled to Ferelden... and to the only thing he had missed about being a Grey Warden.
1. prologue

_I came to the realization writing this, that I have never written a decent fanfiction. I hope to change that with this. In fact, I have high hopes for this one. Let's see if I can live up to them._

_Reviews and constructive criticism would be much welcome. c:_

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><p>Kirkwall had never been Anders' home. He had never had a home. Everywhere was nothing but a temporary escape from the one place he never wanted to see again, yet was forced to so many times over. He had found comfort in the companionship of Hawke and her companions for a time, but like everything<p>

good in his life it was fated to end.

It was his own fault, of course; he had no one else to blame. He could have made a home for himself there. It wouldn't have been hard. Not with the friends he had. Not with someone like Hawke.

From the very start though, he knew he couldn't do it. He was tempted, oh Maker, he was tempted. Justice simply would never let him rest.

Hawke had let him live after everything he had done. But Anders hadn't escaped Kirkwall before hearing an earful of his closest friend berate him. She'd told him she hated him. He'd blocked her out after a while, but her words had stung. Because they were true.

When she had asked her companions if they thought she should spare him… only Merrill had spoken up in his favor. In that moment Anders began to regret every word he had said to her. How could she be so concerned for him, after every nasty thing he had said to her? Maybe her kind nature had been sincere after all.

That's why he had fled to Ferelden. He hadn't even heard about Meredith and Orsino's deaths until he reached Highever. Word had spread fast about how Marian Hawke had championed the mages of Kirkwall and resisted the Templars.

And so Hawke had finished what Anders started. Temporarily, anyway.

Anders had started a war: not something quickly finished.

Ferelden was the obvious option. Anders had spent most of his life there, and King Alistair was known for offering safe refuge for apostates: something the chantry had not overlooked.

News of what had happened in Kirkwall had not yet reached Vigil's Keep when a soaking wet Anders showed up on the Warden Commander's doorstep, huddling under his robes to keep dry of the pouring rain.


	2. an understanding

"Anders?"

"_What?_" Anders found his patience with the elf growing thin whenever she opened her mouth.

"I heard Varric saying you were a Grey Warden."

"I was."

"Did you ever meet a Dalish Warden? Faelwen Mahariel?"

A smile played across Anders lips, and a rush of memories. "As a matter of fact, I did. Did you know her?"

"We grew up together. She was one of my clan."

"I was under the impression each clan had only two mages. The Keeper and their First, right? Faelwen was a mage. A good one, I might add."

"So you knew her well?"

_Yes, you could say that. _Anders mused.

"And, well, yes. Generally there are only two mages, but sometimes there is a surplus. She was found to have magic a while after I had been moved to her clan to become First. No other clan needed her, so instead we were taught together. She was far better than I ever was, but I was still meant to become Keeper. And now neither of us will." She added sadly.

Now that he thought of it, he remembered Faelwen mentioning her. She had seldom talked about her clan, but Merrill had been brought up on occasion or two. "She mentioned you, I think."

"Really?" Merrill sighed happily. "I keep hoping to hear some news of her. She defeated the Archdemon. That's… amazing. Can you tell me about her sometime? I think I'd like that."

"As long as you tell me about her before she joined the Wardens." He flashed her a rare smile. Hearing about the time long before he knew her would prove interesting, no doubt. Whenever he had tried to bring it up back in Amaranthine, she'd quickly change the subject. He was more than willing to put his and Merrill's differences aside to find out more about the only thing he missed about the Grey Wardens.

And it was through Merrill, over time, that Anders found out just why Faelwen had never talked about her life in the clan.

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><p><em>Sorry these first two chapters are so short. They'll get longer, I promise.<em>


	3. a reunion

Anders was ushered inside the keep when he informed the guards that he had business with the Warden Commander. He hoped no one would recognize him, though after so many years would anyone even remember the apostate?

Before Anders had left, however, he had been teaching a small group of young warden mages. If they were still around they would be the ones to recognize him, though Anders figured he might not mind that so much.

The keep had hardly changed in six years. It was nicer; improvements had certainly been made, but it was still the cold, looming fortress it had always been.

The guard led Anders down halls and up stairs. He was surprised to find that he still knew where he was, no matter how far in they went. He had spent almost two years here. It was not easily forgotten. The room he was led to, however, was not where he remembered the commander's office being. There was a single guard standing outside, looking bored.

He could feel her as they drew near; feel her as he came closer and closer to her. She must have felt him, too.

"Here to relieve me of my duty?" He asked, looking hopeful as Anders and the other guard approached.

"No, the commander has a visitor. Says it's urgent." She didn't seem convinced, but motioned for the other guard to let him in.

Anders wondered then if this was such a good idea. Six years is a long time to go without seeing someone.

The guard who had escorted him left, and the other opened the door slightly, peeking in. "Commander."

"Yes?" Her voice was muffled by the door, but Anders recognized it immediately. He noticed for the first time how similar her accent was to Merrill's and the other Dalish he had met on Sundermount, though not as thick; likely it had lost its bite after all her years among humans.

"There's someone here to see you."

"Is it very important?" She kept her voice level, but he could hear the exhaustion in her tone.

"He says it is."

"Let him in, then."

The door was pushed open. No turning back now. What was the worst that could happen anyway? She'd get angry at him for running away and tell him to get out? He knew she'd never turn him in, so he had nothing to fear, really… right? Somehow, that didn't do anything to set his mind at ease.

His feet moved forward, and his old grin spread over his lips. A smug grin: one he hadn't given away in a long, long time.

She was sitting at an ornate oak desk, papers scattered in front of her. He lips were creased in a frustrated frown, and her eyes were still scanning the documents before her.

She looked so much like she had when he'd left. Older, maybe. Her coal hair was tied back in a neat ponytail, her nose was long and sharp, her jaw angular and rigid. The skin of her face was decorated in tattoos. _Vallaslin, _as her people called it.

"Andaran atish'an, friend." She murmured, still studying the papers. "What is it?"

Anders chuckled. She had always clung to her Dalish origins. It was just like her to greet a human still with such a phrase, despite her position. "Can't an old friend come to visit?"

Her eyes finally left the paper as she turned them to him. For a moment he could see the confusion in her face. He must have changed more than he'd thought, because it was a while before her eyes widened in realization.

"Ma! Anders? Is that you?" She stood suddenly from her desk, moving in one fluid motion towards him.

"Yeah. It's me." He did not lie. But he was no longer the Anders she had known. Not anymore.

And then her small frame was smushed against him, standing on her tip toes just to wrap her arms around his shoulders. It took a moment, but Anders looped his arms around her torso gently, not used to any kind of affection.

The last time Anders remembered being hugged was when he had told Hawke he'd found a way to get rid of Vengeance. When he'd _lied _in order to get her to help him. She had been so happy that there was finally hope of being rid of the spirit that had plagued him for years. All for nothing. There was no separating the two of them now.

Faelwen ducked out of his arms a few moments later, grinning ear to ear. She strained her neck to look up at him. She was tiny; both vertically and horizontally. Even for a mage, she was particularly twig-like. Anders had never understood why so many mages were so physically weak. He had always had a rather well-built body, especially for a mage. Faelwen was short, too. The top of her head only came up to about an inch below his chin. Even the other elves he had met were never so short.

How this tiny little woman inspired such loyalty and respect in her followers was beyond him. Even her voice was soft; loud when she needed it to be, yes, but soft. When Anders had met her he hadn't even believed that she was Warden Commander here. But battle after battle had proven to him how deserving she was of the title.

"Where have you been, Anders?" Serious now.

Anders considered lying. News of what had happened hadn't reached here yet, but when it did he knew there would be questions. But no good lies came to mind, and if Faelwen found out he was lying she wouldn't be happy. "Kirkwall." He answered.

She sighed. "_Anders._"

He said nothing and she sighed again, more heavily this time.

"You just _ran off._ You're not going to tell me why?" She rubbed her temple, closing her eyes. "I had no idea what happened to you. Then I heard about a year later that your phylactery had been destroyed. What was I supposed to think?" She frowned. "Do you realize how long it's been?"

"Yes, but –"

"Anders, I don't give two shits what you were doing in Kirkwall, to be honest. I just want to know _why. Why did you leave?_"

He knew this was coming. But he was completely unprepared. "I'm sorry."

"That doesn't answer the question."

"Faelwen, I…" He pressed a palm to his forehead, "I never did like the Wardens all that much, you know that. I don't like feeling trapped. It was better than the Circle, sure, but I still didn't like it."

"I know, but… you'd rather be hunted?"

"The Circle wouldn't have left me alone for very long. I didn't want to trouble you like that. And I just needed to be gone. It was a nicer cage than the one I had before, but still a cage. And it hurt to do it, but it would have been harder to stay. Plus. They made me get rid of my cat."

"I… understand. You left me shorthanded, though. You were our best healer, and one of our best mages. And if I had known about Ser Pounce-A-Lot… you should have told them he was a gift from the Commander. You know, Justice disappeared around the time you did. I can only assume he must have found a way home."

_She had no idea. _Of course she didn't. How could she have known what had happened? What he was? He wondered if maybe he should tell her. No. That was for later, if ever.

"Yeah." He fidgeted awkwardly, thinking maybe it would have been better if he hadn't come.

"So why are you here now?" She asked, reflecting his own thoughts.

"I don't really know. I have nowhere else to go, I guess. No other… friends."

Faelwen turned away from him, taking a few steps toward the fireplace, crossing her arms below her breasts. She sighed.

"Are you still in trouble with the Templars, Anders?"

"In a manner of speaking." He grimaced.

She laughed, but it wasn't the amused sort of laugh. "Really?" She paused, "What happened to you Anders? You're so… different? Where are the jokes?"

So she'd noticed. He shrugged, even though she couldn't see him. "A lot of things have happened."

"What do you want? To come back? To rejoin the Wardens or just to find shelter? Or did you come back for me?" She lowered her voice, sounding pained.

"Shelter, I suppose. And... is there something wrong with just wanting to see you?"

"After so many years, maybe there is." She turned around, and her eyes were glossy. "You can stay here. There are some guest rooms, I'll be sure they fix you up one of them. But right now, you look hungry. These papers can wait. Come with me."

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><p><em>A longer chapter, finally. Thanks to fujingodofwind and HedgeNinja for the reviews. c:<em>

_Writing has been going rather slowly, so I'm not sure when there will be another update. As always, constructive criticism is very much welcome. :)_


	4. bliss

_I'll never be as good as you._

A string of words danced along her tongue as Faelwen readied her attack, keeping her gaze steadily on the mage in front of her. She has developed a habit of reciting poetry or song while casting: it helped her concentrate. She let a green burst of energy fly from her hands, grasping her wooden staff tightly. Her opponent dodged just in time to escape damage, but her staff was caught in the burst.

Faelwen ran to her side, instantly regretting putting so much power into the spell.

The staff was shattered. "Oh, Merrill. I'm so sorry. Abelas, Lethallan. Are you alright?"

The other elf looked up and nodded. She had been knocked to the ground, and Faelwen was kneeling beside her. "I'm fine, Lethallan."

"Good." There was a small cut on Merrill's finger, with Faelwen healed. "I shouldn't have used such a powerful spell. You're going to need a new staff."

"It's not your fault. It's our job to learn magic as best we can. What is the purpose in using a less powerful spell?"

"I suppose." Faelwen helped her friend gather the shards of her staff. It wasn't the one she normally used; only a sparring one. She and Merrill were practically sisters, and they had been raised as such. Merrill had been taken from her clan, and Faelwen's own parents were long dead. Faelwen's magic had only shown itself after Merrill had been adopted into the clan, so the Keeper has raised them both as sisters.

"Maybe we should take a break." Merrill suggested. "I'll take this to the Keeper," she looked sadly at her broken weapon, "and you can go find Tamlen." A knowing smirk. "I'll catch up."

"Alright." The two friends exchanged a brief hug before parting ways.

Faelwen was tiny, and good at sneaking when she needed to be. She took the long way around the camp, weaving in and out of the trees until she found herself near the clearing where the hunters liked to practice their archery. There were three targets set up at one end, and a lone hunter standing on the other end practicing.

A sly grin spread across her lips as she inched toward the hunter until she was on him, tackling him to the ground. His bow was knocked to the grass beside them and she sat on top of him, tickling his ribs. He started laughing and her giggling followed.

"What are you doing here, Ma Vhenan? I thought you and Merrill were practicing?" Tamlen asked, once the laughter has subsided.

"We were, but we decided to take a break." She grinned, "And besides, I wanted to see you." She deliberately left off the part about the broken staff.

"You've been such a bad influence on her." He shook his head. "She used to be a good, obedient First."

"And that's only because _you _have been a bad influence on _me. _I used to be a good little pupil too, you know." She teased, poking him in the ribs.

"If I didn't know you, I'd have a hard time believing that." He climbed to his feet, helping her up after him.

"Anyway, Merrill and I need to find some herbs later and I thought maybe you could come along. I mean, we could use a big hunter to protect us, after all." She grinned sheepishly.

Tamlen pulled the tiny elf into his arms, laughing. "Of course, of course. We don't want two _helpless _mages wandering around the Brecillian Forest alone, now do we?"

"No, no. Can't have that!"

The two traded warm smiles that spread from their lips to their eyes.

"Tamlen, Faelwen!"

The elves turned around to see Merrill standing by a nearby tree. Her arms were crossed over her chest and she was smiling. "Mythal, you two are _adorable._" She cooed.

Faelwen felt her face grow warm and looked away, glowering. "Oh shut up, Merrill."

Tamlen, however, only laughed and punched the mage playfully in the shoulder. "I think you Faelwen is the adorable one."

"No, no. It's both of you." She giggled and Tamlen, who was still holding her hand, pulled Faelwen forward and the three scurried off into the forest.

They walked for about ten minutes, chatting idly and laughing the whole time. Tamlen never did let go of Faelwen's hand despite her trying to run ahead a few times. She had thought about asking him to let go but decided against it. Feeling his warm palm pressed against the top of her hand was comforting.

They stopped by a river, where Merrill spotted a cluster of elfroots growing by the water. The two mages knelt down by the riverbed and Faelwen pulled her tiny dagger from its pouch on her thigh to cut some leaves from the plants. She handed them to Merrill who tucked them away. "We've been running low on herbs; we should probably collect as many as we can." She explained to Tamlen, who had set his bow down against a tree, looking bored.

Faelwen was eternally grateful for Tamlen's presence and patience. A mages, her and Merrill had always been somewhat secluded from the rest of the clan; studying history and magic while the others learned to hunt. Merrill had taken to entropy and spirit magic right away while Faelwen had always been better at healing and elemental magics. The two of them had made a good pair: like sisters.

It had always been a bit lonely for the two of them, though, especially when they were little. It had been that way ever since Faelwen nearly burned down one of the aravels when she was seven. Everyone was surprised to find another mage in the clan, not a year after they had taken Merrill from their own for lack of a First. It would have been too much trouble to send Merrill back to her own clan, so they were both there to stay.

Tamlen had changed that. He was the first and only hunter that either of them ever found themselves getting along with. They had become something of a trio. Though Merrill tended to be more absorbed in her studies, Tamlen and Faelwen snuck off into the forest together nearly every chance they got: often disrupting the mage's studies and Tamlen's hunting. They didn't care, though. It had been this way for years now.

Faelwen didn't let these little excursions get in the way of her studies, however. At least, not _too much. _She excelled at magic and she loved every bit of it.

"There's some more over here." Merrill pointed to another patch of the herbs a few yards off. Faelwen pushed herself up to go gather the plants, but before she had even stepped toward them Tamlen was barreling into her, sending her flying off her feet and into the cold stream. Her surprised scream was cut off by water rushing into her mouth.

She came up a second later; Tamlen was laughing and trying to grab Merrill, and she was giggling and yelping at the same time, trying to scramble away from Tamlen. "I can't get these robes wet!"

"Faelwen got hers wet."

"Yeah, thanks for that!" She silently prayed to Mythal for the survival of the delicate fabric.

"You're so very welcome." He turned and winked. She frowned, swimming for the bank.

"Tamlen, don't!" Merrill fell on her ass, giggling. "I really can't get these wet!"

"Fine, have it your way." He turned, offering a hand to the drenched mage and pulling her from the water. When she was on her feet, feeling like a fool and soaked from head to toe, she shoved the hunter playfully, slapping his shoulder.

"It's rather nippy out, isn't it Faelwen? Surely too cold to walking about in those wet clothes."

"Tamlen!" She gasped, flushing.

Merrill pouted. "But it's not _that _cold out, is it? If you were so worried about that why did you push her in in the first place?"

The two looked at Merrill before exchanging glances and bursting out laughing again.

"What, what? Did I miss something? Oh, I did, didn't I?"

"Oh, Merrill." Faelwen sat down next to her friend and hugged her, still laughing. "Don't worry about it."

Tamlen sat down next to Faelwen and Merrill, still looking confused, begun picking flowers and twining them together. Tamlen picked one himself and turned to the other mage. He brushed her hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear. She felt her cheeks burn and looked away.

"Aw, Fae, you look absolutely _beautiful._" Merrill cooed.

Faelwen looked up at Tamlen and smiled, heart soaring, perfectly content to be here with the two people she loved most in the world.

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><p><em>I'm terribly sorry it's taken so long to update this. I've been writing a lot of it, I swear... just not the write parts. I've been jumping around. And on top of that, I was on vacation for two weeks, so it's been difficult. With school starting soon I'll be tied up with writing things for my Creative Writing class, but I hope that doesn't get in the way too much.<em>

_Reviews and constructive criticism are always welcome! Thank you to Flame Wolfe, fujingodofwind, and HedgeNinja for the reviews!_


	5. selfish

A position in the Grey Wardens had been a good opportunity to shield himself from the Circle and anyone else who might want him dead. Maybe it was selfish of him, but Anders had always been resigned to the fate of dying a Grey Warden. He'd always known that one way or another they would find him and bring him back. It was far better than the Circle, at the very least.

He found less comfort than he would have thought in the company of his old friends. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy being around them. It was that he had changed so much that _he _was no longer enjoyable to be around. The last time he had seen Faelwen, he had been sweet and charming and witty. What was he now but an abomination?

It didn't help that his room was so close to hers; close to where his own, even, had been all those years ago. It brought back memories. Memories that were too good to be recalled painlessly.

He wondered, briefly, why it was that he had been so bitter towards his past as a Warden.

But it was a cage, just like the Circle, if a little less gilded.

Five days after his arrival was when word reached the arling of what had happened in Kirkwall.

Anders joined Faelwen and the others for breakfast in the morning. The Wardens all ate together in a dining hall in the northeast section of the keep. He had been glad to find that the old group from back in the day was still together following their commander loyally; Sigrun, Oghren, Nathaniel, Velanna and of course, Faelwen. The familiar faces warmed his heart, but pained him. They all seemed to enjoy being Wardens so much. He was the odd one out. The deserter. And now he was a completely different person than they had known.

Not that Anders had really gotten very close to any of them other than Faelwen. But they had still been something akin to a family once upon a time.

The air was somber as he approached the table. Faelwen was grimacing, and only Oghren looked up to greet him when he sat down.

"Something wrong?" He asked, though he knew damn well what was wrong. He could feel it in the air. He'd known it wouldn't take long.

She explained briefly, saying only that a mage in Kirkwall had destroyed the Chantry and killed the Grand Cleric there, resulting in an all-out war between the Templars and the mages. She was frowning the whole time, obviously deeply troubled. It figured. Of course she wouldn't understand. No one would. But the wheels were in motion.

He said nothing when she was done, just stared down at his plate.

"Anders. You were in Kirkwall for a long time. Were you there when it happened?" He had been expecting Faelwen to ask, but it was Sigrun who spoke up.

"Yeah. I saw it." He could see Faelwen's frown deepen out of the corner of his eye. She had been frowning too much for his liking since he'd gotten here. He couldn't help but wonder if it was because of him.

"Why didn't you say something?"

"Sorry. I should have, but I figured you'd hear sooner or later. I just wanted to forget."

It was later that day when Faelwen found Anders out by the river that ran by the east side of the keep. It was one of those rare days when the sun was actually out and it wasn't too cold to spend an enjoyable day outside. As she recalled, the two of them had spent many an afternoon lazing around under this very tree together. She had hoped to find him here.

"Anders. I thought I'd find you down here."

Anders opened his eyes lazily and looked up at Faelwen's smiling face. Seeing her smile brought one of his own to his lips, though somewhat half-hearted. "Shouldn't you be doing Grey Warden business?" He teased.

"Things aren't as hectic as they used to be. I get plenty of time off." She sat in the grass next to him. There were a few moments of silence before she sighed. "Anders, I'm sorry if I seem grumpy. I'm honestly glad you're here. I've just had a lot on my mind. Especially today."

"It's my fault for just showing up like this, anyway. I haven't been the greatest person to be around either."

"You've changed a lot."

"So you mentioned." He laid back, sighing heavily. "I guess time changes everything."

"Not everything." Faelwen picked a blade of grass and rolled it between her fingers. "There are some things that never change."

"Like what?"

"There are things untouched by time, untouched by humans or elves or dwarves… Even though people can change there are some things that remain…" She chuckled and shook her head. "Sorry. I don't know where I was going with that."

Silence.

Then, "This brings back memories."

Faelwen nodded, "It does. There are a whole lot of memories all across the arling. I've been here so long. I've never enjoyed it here as much as I did back then, though. Sometimes I wish that things were like that again. Now all I have is worry after worry. Especially after what happened in the Free Marches. It puts us all in danger."

Anders bit his lip and winced.

She let out a sharp sigh. "I can't believe someone would do that. Do they have any idea what they've done? Everyone will hate us now. Hate mages more than they already did. I wouldn't be surprised if this age ends in the complete slaughter of every living mage in Thedas. And if that doesn't happen, then everything will become like the Tevinter Imperium. They say other circles are already revolting."

Anders nodded, swallowing the lump of bile that was building up in his throat.

"Doesn't it piss you off? I remember you always used to say you hated blood magic so much because it gave the Templars reason to see us as a threat, proving we're too dangerous. Killing all those people… I don't know if blood magic was used or not, but that's so much worse, either way."

"Yes. I guess."

Faelwen gave the other mage a puzzled look and placed a hand on his shoulder, concerned. "Is something wrong Anders? You look pale."

He shook his head. "I'm fine. I'm just… upset like you are." He wouldn't have lied to anyone else about this. He'd done what he need to. Normally he would have argued, told her that _something _had to be done, that they _needed _a revolution. But he just couldn't tell _her. _

"I figured you would be." She shook her head. "Maybe I'm worrying too much about it, though."

He couldn't stay here. It was going to drive him insane.

"I should go. I'm only going to be a burden to you." _I don't belong here anymore. _"I have places I should go. It was wrong of me to just show up like this." He stood up suddenly, moving away from her. "I'll just get my things together…"

"Anders!" Faelwen gasped, "Why?"

"I just told you. I'm sorry. I'll get out of your hair." He started away from her, determined to get out of here.

"No!" She grabbed his hand and pulled him back, keeping a grip on him when he tried to pull his hand away. "Don't you _dare_ run away again!"

He turned to look at her; she was staring up at him, eyes wide. "Please."

Anders faltered. "Faelwen… I can't…"

She was standing up now, pulling his hand closer to hers, taking his other hand so she held both. "Please." She repeated.

It was those eyes. Those Maker-damned eyes that got him every time; so big and green and irresistible. "Don't leave me again."

"Maker's breath, woman." He found one hand on her neck, trailing up her jaw to pointed ears, gently grazing the tips, and her lips pressed tightly against his. She had stand on her tiptoes to just barely reach his lips. Her arms wrapped themselves around his neck and he leaned against the tree, wrapping his own arms around her waist. Her feet lifted off the ground but she didn't seem to mind.

He shouldn't be doing this, but he didn't care. He pulled out her hair tie, running his fingers hungrily through those soft, black locks. She would have done the same if she wasn't busy holding on to him.

The kiss lasted until Faelwen's arms grew tired and slipped from around his neck. She had been so caught up that she didn't notice until she'd fallen right on her bottom. "Owww." She groaned, looking up at Anders. Then they both burst into laughter as he held out his hand and helped her to her feet.

She smiled and leaned into his chest, breathing in his scent. "I missed you, Anders."

"Did you miss me or did you miss the, ah… _benefits _of having me around?" He snickered and she hit him playfully on the arm.

"Maybe both." She winked, giggling softly.

Maybe being selfish wouldn't be so bad, Anders figured.

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><p><em>I'm somewhat disappointed in this chapter. It feels like things are going too fast and I'm rushing it all. I don't know.<em>


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